


The Coffee Table of the Gods

by PurpleWyrm



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 15:36:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12015780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PurpleWyrm/pseuds/PurpleWyrm
Summary: SG1 suffer their way through an exasperatinglystupidmission. And there are seals.





	The Coffee Table of the Gods

**Author's Note:**

> An old, old work that I've decided to put up on AO3. I've resisted the urge to do any rewriting and have just corrected a few spelling errors and rogue apostrophes. Enjoy!

The beach was silent. Deathly silent. So silent in fact that when the giant, upright ring half submerged in the waves suddenly started flashing, shuddering, and groaning, a number of seal-like creatures who'd been hunting for ants further up the beach came to have a look. Normally they wouldn't have bothered, but they were very bored.

The ring ceased its palsied shaking and with a loud "whoosh" shot out a column of metallic liquid. The water rushed out of its path, and waves shot up the beach. The column then retracted, and the water rushed back into the gap with a loud "boom".

The seals were impressed.

A slight disturbance rippled up the molten metal from below the waterline. The seals looked on in interest as a stream of bubbles floated to the surface just in front of the ring, along with a black baseball cap. They were followed mere seconds later by four spluttering figures, waving their arms around and making generic drowning noises.

Hacking coughs and cries of "ARRGH!", "URRGL!" and similar incoherancies echoed up and down the beach as the four figures, who were dressed in military fatigues, stumbled to the shore. They dropped their backpacks, and collapsed onto the sand. They lay still.

After ten minutes or so of patient observation one of the seals moved up to the closest figure, which had short greying hair, and a pair of smashed sunglasses on it's nose. The seal nuzzled its face.

"nurrggglll" groaned the figure.

The seal nuzzled it again.

"arrrrAGGH" replied the figure swatting weakly at the seal with it's arm. The seal, put off by this behaviour made a loud raspberry noise and wandered back towards the anthills. The others followed it.

Colonel Jack O'Neill opened his eyes. With much coughing and wheezing he heaved himself into a sitting position and looked around. Apparently roused by the noise he was making, the rest of SG1 started making similar noises and dragged themselves over to join him.

"Well at least we _AAHHHHACCCKKK!_ we know why the MALP reported an error" quipped Jack examining his smashed glasses with distaste. His hat had washed up further down the beach. He stumbled to his feet and wandered over.

Daniel was cleaning his glasses, which had managed to survive intact. He put them on just in time to see Jack put on his hat. Damp sand cascaded down his neck. 

"Well _this_ bites!" he commented.

By now Teal'c's goa'uld larva had got to work, and was feeding him additional oxygen. He got to his feet and wandered down to the water. "It appears that this gate has been inundated" he commented.

"You think?" snapped Sam, who was still trying to get oxygen back to her brain, and was momentarily under the impression that she was Jack.

Daniel stumbled to his feet and wandered over towards the seals. "Seals!" he called, still somewhat out of it. He pointed. "Seals!"

"I do not believe they are seals Daniel Jackson" commented Teal'c wandering over. "They resemble the _Kal'ach'ach'ach'ach'ach'kat_ of ancient Jaffa legend"

"Nah, they're seals all right! Seals!" slurred Daniel. 

_Damn_ thought Teal'c. _I really thought they'd fall for that one._ His musings were interrupted when Daniel was bowled off his feet by a speeding seal, apparently attracted by Teal'c's hacking noises. It danced hyperactively around his feet, occasionally sniffing the ground for ants.

 _That was amusing._ Thought Teal'c. _Ha._

Daniel staggered to his feet. "I've split my pants, look!" he cried in distress.

Sam, still sitting in the sand, started laughing hysterically "Tee-Hee! Daniel split his pants!"

Jack, who was becoming more lucid by the minute stalked over. He looked at Daniel's pants. "Oh, for crying out loud!" he exclaimed, whipping off his hat for emphasis. A large clod of sand fell out of the crown, and splatted wetly across his forehead, covering his hair.

"Hahahahahah!" giggled Sam. "You look like the General!" she dissolved into more laughter.

"General.....General..... John Luc Picard!" howled Daniel, collapsing back into the sand.

"Will you two pull yourselves together!" growled Jack, brushing the sand off with his hand. He shook the hat out carefully before replacing it on his head. "We _have_ got a mission to complete here!"

"We did it. The MALP drowned. Case closed" commented Daniel, pulling himself together and sitting up. He got to his feet. "Let's find the DHD and get out of here." He stared at the seals and shook his head. "Are they eating _ANTS?_ "

Jack ignored him "Major Carter?" he questioned.

"Hahehehahahehehahehehehahahahehehehahaha"

"I'll give you a bit longer then"

Teal'c had wandered further up the beach. "O'Neill!" he called, waving his arm. Jack and Daniel walked up and joined him.

"Here is the mounting for the Dial Home Device" Teal'c announced, pointing at a stone platform. "It has been removed". He pointed at scrape marks in the dirt, leading towards a dirt road that disappeared into the pine trees lining the beach. 

"Well I guess we better go find it then" sighed Jack "Major Carter?"

"I think I'm OK now Colonel. Picard! Tee-hee!" Jack glared at her "Sorry"

"Right, let's move out then. Anyone know how to get these seals to stop following us?"

* * *

The road led into the depths of the pine forest. Jack and Teal'c took the lead, with Sam and Daniel walking behind, making cracks about General Hammond's baldness. About a quarter of an hour in, an unpleasant smell started to become apparent.

"Pheeee-woo!" exclaimed Jack "That's stinks worse than those bodies under the floorboards."

"Bodies under the floorboards?" queried Daniel, moving forward.

"Yeah! that Christmas!"

"What are you talking about Jack?" asked Daniel furrowing his brow in extreme puzzlement.

"Oh right! You weren't there. Sam! Remember those bodies? Under the floorboards?"

"Colonel?"

"You remember! It was Christmas, and we went to that haunted house? And then there were bricks behind the door? And we found our own bodies under the floorboards? And then we shot each other, but we didn't really?"

"Colonel, I have no idea what you're talking about"

"You sure?"

"Yeah"

"Really?"

"Yes, really"

"I could have sworn we went to a haunted house"

"Maybe you dreamed it?"

"Yeah, maybe"

The conversation was interrupted when they rounded a corner and found the source of the smell. A small, rotund man in a blood splattered leather apron was sitting, sharpening a knife by a pile of dismembered animal carcasses. A variety of roughly preserved furs hung from a bamboo rack to his side. He ceased sharpening, and stared at the group in surprise.

"Uh, Daniel, you wanna find a way to talk to this guy before he decides to use that knife of his?" suggested Jack.

"Greetings!" said the small man. "Do you want to buy some furs? I am Waltur, the Skinner!"

"Never mind"

 _How is it these people always speak English?_ wondered Teal'c. He didn't say anything though.

"Um... not really" said Daniel eyeing the flyblown skins warily. "Actually we're looking for the DHD, from the beach back there" He gestured vaguely behind them. 

"DHD?" questioned Waltur "What's that, some kind of seal? I have seal skins!" he pointed to a particularly pestilent example.

"Uh....." said Daniel.

"About yeah high" interjected Jack "Made of metal, has a whole load of glyph doohickeys engraved on it?"

"Oh right!" said Waltur, slapping his thigh and disturbing several large flies that had been feeding on his apron "You mean the sacred Coffee Table! The Chief has that!" 

"The Chief?" asked Daniel, his anthropological ears pricking up.

"Yes, Alagr the Ubiquitous"

"Alagr the Ubiquitous?" asked Jack in disbelief

"Alagr the Ubiquitous"

"The _Ubiquitous_?"

"Yes, the Ubiquitous"

"But the _Ubiquitous_!"

"Let it go Jack" hissed Daniel.

"Ubiquitous!"

"It means everywhere at once Colonel"

"I know what it means Sam!" Jack shook his head "Ubiquitous"

"Where can we find this Chief?" asked Daniel stoically ignoring the extremely inane conversation going on behind him.

"Just down the road" replied Waltur. "In the big building that looks like a head. Do you want me to guide you?" He stood up, and a pile of bloody knucklebones fell out of his lap to the ground.

"No! No! Uh, I mean we can find it ourselves!" replied Daniel hurriedly.

Waltur sat back down. "Whatever turns you on. Sure you won't buy a fur?"

"No! We're right thanks!" explained Jack, gesturing for the others to move. They did so. Quickly.

"Tourists!" snorted Waltur, and resumed sharpening his knife.

* * *

About half a mile down the road, the group halted outside a large building shaped, as Waltur had mentioned, like a head. 

"This must be it" said Daniel, staring at the construction in distaste

"See any other head shaped buildings around here?" snorted Jack

"Savage Jack, Savage"

"Say, does this place remind you of anyone" asked Sam

They looked. Heavy jowls, bald, shiny head.

"It appears to resemble General Hammond" said Teal'c after a pause.

"C'mon, his head isn't _that_ shiny" said Jack "Lets just get the DHD and get outa here"

"I think it is you know. If you see it in sunlight" mused Daniel.

"He waxes it you know" contributed Sam.

"No way!"

"Yeah he's got a little jar of wax in his drawer, I've seen it"

 _I can't take much more of this_ thought Teal'c, grasping his staff weapon and scratching his own bald head.

"People!" yelled Jack, banging the butt of his SMG on a pine tree for emphasis. "We have a job to do!"

"Just because _you're_ going ‘hammond' " said Daniel, wiggling his fingers to indicate the apostrophes.

"Hey! I am not going ‘hammond' " Yelled Jack, wiggling his fingers back.

"Then what were you doing peering at your scalp in the locker room mirror last week?"

"I'm not going ‘hammond' !"

"Yes you are!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

 _Oh for crying out loud!_ thought Teal'c "Perhaps we should go inside" he suggested.

"I'm not going bald" mumbled Jack under his breath as they marched into the gaping mouth of the building. "I was looking for lice!"

The inside of the head was surprisingly spacious. Directly opposite the door, on a large, luxurious couch sat a small, wizened up, old man in what appeared to be a lace nightgown. Standing on the floor in front of his couch was the DHD. It appeared to bear numerous coffee stains. 

"HALT!" screamed a voice, and their path was suddenly blocked by a slightly less small than usual man, dressed in leathers, a battered motorcycle helmet, and carrying a pocketknife tied to a stick.

"What is your business with mighty Chief Alagr the Ubiquitous!" cried the guard, waving his stick menacingly.

"Oh for crying aaargh!" Jack yelped as Daniel stood on his foot.

"We are travelers from a distant land, and wish to negotiate for the return of the DHD" announced Daniel, bowing deeply. Sam grimaced, she was getting far too good a view of Daniel's "Animaniacs" boxer shorts.

"The DH what?" asked the guard in obvious puzzlement.

Daniel sighed and rolled his eyes. "The Sacred Coffee Table"

"Before you may speak to mighty Chief Alagr the Ubiquitous you must be purified! You must face trial by combat!" The guard shook his stick.

"Oh, Just let them in Udum, they look interesting" called the wizened up old man.

Udum retired to the side with a look of resentment on his face. SG1 moved forward until they were standing in front of the DHD. A number of smashed coffee cups lay around its base.

"Greetings mighty Chief" said Daniel, bowing again "We are travelers from..."

"Yeah yeah, from a distant land and you wish to negotiate for the return of the Sacred Coffee Table, I heard ya. Sit down."

They sat down.

"Now, before we proceed, I require a tribute of cheese."

"Uh" said Daniel warily "I'm sorry, but we don't have any cheese"

"You must have cheese! All travelers have cheese! It is the Law!"

"We apologise, but we are from far away and are unfamiliar with the Law" said Daniel, obviously worried. 

"You Lie! I insist that you open your bags, so I may gaze upon your cheese!"

"Look, we don't _have_ any cheese, pops!" growled Jack.

 _I should probably say something_ thought Teal'c. "What is a cheese pop?"

"Open your bags! I order you!" yelled the Chief. Udum the guard reappeared, and shook his stick. 

"We'd better do as he says" recommended Daniel, opening his backpack. With obvious reluctance the rest of the team complied. Teal'c stared into Jack's bag.

"What is a 'Playboy'?" he asked

The Chief examined the bags one by one. "Aha!" he cried, reaching into Sam's and pulling out a large block of cheese.

"Sam!" cried Jack in a hurt tone "Were you holding out on us?"

"I didn't put it in there Colonel! I swear!" replied Sam in puzzlement.

"Cheese is often found where you least expect it." commented the Chief. "Now I have received my tribute, we may begin negotiations. What d'ya want with the coffee table?" He patted the DHD affectionately.

"Um, we need it to get home, it operates that big metal ring in the ocean" explained Daniel.

"Oh, the Hula Hoop of the gods!" he squinted suspiciously at the group "You don't look like gods"

"Uh.... we're not, but we need the coffee table" 

"Hm, well it is a fairly crap coffee table, everything keeps falling off. I'll tell you what, you can have the coffee table if you complete a quest"

"What, we have to cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with a herring?" muttered Jack sarcastically.

The Chief stood up. His voice assumed a commanding tone and he waved his arms dramatically.

"For many years the garden of my people has flourished unmolested. The flowers of our hope have grown straight and tall, free from the attacks of the weeds of darkness, for I, Chief Alagr the Ubiquitous have fought them whenever they have appeared. But now winter has come upon my bones, I am old and infirm, and the weeds of darkness stand posed to descend upon the garden of my people and destroy it. I ask that you will fight for us! Will you take on the challenge? Will you be our champions?" He looked at them expectantly.

"Excuse me" asked Jack "Did you just ask us to _weed your garden_?" 

"Yup" said the Chief sitting back down on his couch. "There are hoes in the cupboard over there. Wake me when you're done" his head fell down and he started to snore.

Udum marched over. "Mighty Chief Alagr the Ubiquitous has spoken!" he thumped his stick on the ground for emphasis. Then he glared at SG1, who were still sitting on the floor.

Daniel stood up and walked over to the cupboard. "We've got shovels, and we've got hoes. Who wants what?" he asked wearily.

* * *

It was several hours later, and with the help of a few pack seals SG1 had managed to drag the DHD back to the beach. Sam was underneath, reattaching the connections while Daniel and Teal'c washed dried coffee out of the glyphs. Jack was playing with the seals.

Sam stood up, wiping her hands. "I think it's ready Colonel!" she called.

Jack had just thrown his hat for one of the seals to fetch "Aww, you sure? I was just getting into this!" the seal bounded up with the hat. Jack patted it on the head and gave it an ant.

"Well I've had to replace a few connectors destroyed by the acids in the coffee, but I think it's ready to go"

"OK then. People! Prepare to move out! Seeya Nimrod" He patted one of the seals and gave it some ants "Spiro" he patted another one. Daniel began dialing in.

"Uh... Daniel" began Sam.

"Yeah, what?" he completed the sequence and hit the point of origin symbol, which looked like a seal balancing a coffee cup on it's nose. The Stargate did its thing.

"Don't you think we should have built a cofferdam or something around the gate before we opened it?" She pointed to the seawater pouring through the open gate. A couple of seals dived into the water and surfed through.

"It appears that we are going to be in serious trouble on our return" commented Teal'c.

Looking at the gate, even Jack was too stunned to comment.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the very first bit of Fanfic I ever penned. It was written in response to a Fanfic challenge on a Stargate mailing list I was on back around the turn of the millennium and had to include the following features...
> 
> 1\. Someone must say, in these exact words, "I've split my pants, look!"  
> 2\. Someone must also say: "Cheese is often found where you least expect it."  
> 3\. There must be a hyperactive seal looking for ants.  
> 4\. At least one reference to The X-Files.  
> 5\. The word "ubiquitous" must be used 5 times.  
> 6\. 4 or more jokes about General Hammond's bald head.
> 
> I think the end result still stands up pretty well (although a few of the General Hammond jokes are a bit forced). Also, the episode _Watergate_ showed that the behavior of a submerged Stargate differs from that depicted here, however that particular episode was yet to air when this was written.


End file.
